I Scream

I scream,

Not aloud,

Never allowed to express the 5 layers of thoughts within…

My interior painted with tattered,

Green wants of peace,

Goodness,

While having streaks of red,

Which the narrator calls black just to twist the game again,

They start to slam their brushes of peace and black,

A hit,

A bang,

A noise,

Brushes turn to sticks,

Now empty buckets of paint become the drum,

A song,

Not aloud,

Never allowed to be sung for the lack of words…

Accompanied with the lack of patience,

The house of scream housed with whispers never to be heard.

“I’m okay.”

I hear it all the time.

 

Is all I feel?

Young and emotional,

All is feel,

Sight turns selfish when me is offered,

Yet wanting more is a pillar in the essence of being.

How to become when more is an idea?

Taste, 

Sound,

Touch…

Whatever came before,

What ever is to become next?

I want to be physical,

Emotional is where I lie…

Let’s be both,

Interior to exterior,

When things matter is it due to mind?

Try not to choke on the words spewing out,

Selfish lies paving the way for others,

Everyone attempting to become,

More than what [who] we can,

Can we ever agree that the simple things are the most complicated?

 

 

 

ICY

The air was still,

a weightless cold hovering over my skin,

the hairs on my arms standing with a curve,

all I felt was the prick of a needle;

icy…

Thoughts a winter hell,

Mind replaying passed Decembers,

Where the gift of the seconds before were more of a dream than the nightmare of the years to come,

Taking off into a sprint,

running towards the movie playing in my mind pausing on still memories,

Just as still as this chill winter’s day,

or is it night?

This morning should be better because I can finally remember,

to be in the moment,

can be a curious concept…

Maybe if I stand still and breathe this in then maybe…

Maybe I won’t be so cold

Middle mind

My head was pounding,

Rebellious,

My heart thumping across the field of dreams forever broken,

Longing,

There is too much in store for just a couple of words,

To be able to express how I feel is the real lock with an imaginary key,

I supposedly hold with me,

Supposed to supposed to believe,

Whether love takes concentration is a mystery to me,

Vigorous,

Fingers cramping as I attempt to bring the nausea I feel in the pit of my throat out onto a different plane of existence,

As I attempt to break the chaotic cycling of thoughts,

Will you please listen to me?

Please bear with me (Bare)

The desperation on the look for inspiration,

Seeking within

and…

On the outside

left without the right note to hit

Slamming fingers on keyboards

gripping pencils til splint breaks us a part

Finally feeling something else…

Hold my metaphorical hand

and…

 Remember to support.

Maybe then will we find a way to understand,

take a part of me

but…

Be reminded to share,

for to the world we go in bare,

and some leave too soon:

 they cannot bear to walk with scars

preferring to lay with cuts

Bandages wrapped around,

we forget we’re still flowing

the hearts of others and even mine;

symbolically still growing,

with you and I cuffed to reality,

our dreams can remember that being together means human,

and humanity itself is another day on the land

with the lay of the land being chaotic,

irrationality bringing us back at ease

back to breathe.

Is inspiration within me?

Is rationality just a dream?

Just bear with me please

 

I signed it away

It’s never simple,

as wished to be,

Life is..

Well…

A very complicated contract,

The terms and conditions long forgotten,

Memories flirting with extremes,

Living with the daily thoughts;

Hopeful for autopilot until it is time,

Til it is time,

When is it time?

The morrow will come,

The sorrows will rise,

the little words we never read,

the little words we never trust,

life might as well be a bust,

the head of a stagnant being left in the past resurrected to today,

wondering who they’ll be,

Dear whoever is me.

Hold dear that which is me…

Will we ever read…

A little more into this,

a little more into me.

I blinked

Picked up,

Flipped around,

Tossed to side.

Lay on side,

Died inside,

Denied the end,

It happens,

Trust for it happens,

Just before it happens,

I blinked,

I missed my end,

I miss the end,

I miss…

Sweet bliss…

No kiss…

No taste…

Just me…

Empty hands in sweet nothingness,

Sweet everything,

I missed…

Please catch on,

Catch on.

 

Til breath do us part

Simple winds through the nose
Simple emotions deep within
Attempting to circulate
Contract of breath
Love til death
Mind not the latter
Exhalation is now the only choice
However…
How deep will my breath seep til I climb up from ground and throw dirt to sky;
loving without a lie?
Hark words of diligence
Honest living pays with Gods karmic subjective right
To what end is soul?
To what end is breath?

Once again

The wall holds more than I,

holds more secrets than the fly sticking to its concrete skin,

knows more than the weak imitations that I create within,

as well as man-made emotion,

it’s lovely when we tear down,

too much and we’ll be extinct,

too much and all there is:

Instinct,

to fight,

to thrive

to love,

to passionately envelope and be mailed away,

the secret of the wall…

All it does is be,

and that we have in common,

however will we hold up?

How to balance without walls,

brick by brick,

we all fall down…

To bring up.

 

Candlelight

I wish I was elsewhere,

a place where butterflies seem to float on their own without a care in the world,

I wish I was to be as busy as a beautiful bee,

Lovely,

to know meaning in just who—

Therefore what,

I am,

I wish to know bliss as well as if I was ignorant,

as well as if I was in love.

To know true morality without having to guilt myself to be,

I wish the grass was greener on the other side,

to then realize all over again that perspective had me tied by the hand and twirled into living…Thrown to the world,

Used to

Mentally exhausting

Never-ending pattern

Always sending signals

A love that lasts forever

Bored of monogamy?

Bored of dictionaries?

A lust that lasts tomorrow…

My patience flicked my eye…

The blink of an eye…

The pain that comes after…

What isn’t expected?

What Language

Scary to learn how to love,

Like learning how to swim…

Too afraid to drown,

Loving isn’t swimming,

It’s normal to fear to be brought down.

Looking into your own face,

Looking for your own fate,

It’s easy to lose yourself,

It’s easy to find yourself,

What’s hard is patience…

Raging thoughts seem to never calm,

But each step I take is in my palm…

I grasp to learn…

How to ignite…

With love I’d choose to never fight…

Learning how to love,

Like learning how to breathe…

Try learning how to live..

The Ugly Truth

So mean,

So funny,

So harsh,

Sound so rude…

You never beat around the bush.

Honorable,

Honest,

Holy…

Sometimes memories are held on to…

It seems all good things come to a halt at some point when there’s too much of you…

I think the realest concepts accept that they aren’t always attractive…

That itself is beautiful.

I’ll choose to follow you…

So,

Not Philosophy…

ImPersonal •

I just want to go home,

Worse than being alone,

I can’t even find my home,

My heart searches and finds you and I feel thrown,

To the wall and I feel so small…

Thrown to the wall,

Stretched too thin,

To think…

I once missed mom.

I wanted to go to a house…

Family changes.

I miss home.

I’ll make my own…

Til then…

I’ll try to pick up…

I’ve been thrown.

 

Learning how to swim

Walking down memory lane

I start to jog…

Rushing through thoughts

Letting my mind spill

It’s beautiful secrets…

My legs couldn’t hold…

My hands gripped forward as I sat driving through fiery meadows

Feeling ever so lively…

How do we hold on while on the highway to personal hell?

No one can tell how a mental fortess becomes a personal temple…

Keeping personal tempo as I let the car grow wings…

Soaring through the dreamiest skies…

Gliding possibilities…

Positives and negatives do their best to balance life…

Good and Bad/More complicated than that…

Gray meets world/World meets personality,

It’s always nice to meet new,

Few become many,

More fish in the sea…

The soul is the counselor…

The mind doesn’t always need to guide…

Not as simple as a car,

But I am the one who drives.

Pumpernickel

Death’s Grasp:

As loose as my legs after the toughest day,

I say…

Hold me tight…

She lets go,

Yet,

I feel my heart squeeze…

Choking on emotions…

To think life was firm was my vaguest mistake,

Memory upon memory…

I can’t remember taste…

Flood the oven it’s too cold in here…

I missed you…

Living “Right”?

Now,

What can that mean?

When Death gets ahold

It might matter if something is left…

Flour and flower.

Bread on Earth.

Bred by Earth,

It might be sour though…

What’s there?

Life around the corner?

Infinite corners…

Existing is part of reality…

Us

My Air,

My Water,

My only food for thought,

I can’t be without you,

I can’t breathe without you,

My healthy addiction,

My heart’s full attraction…

Attention is only on you,

When I’m with you…

There’s nothing without you…

Yeah,

Sure,

There’s me….

But who am I?

I’m just me without you…

Let’s party I’m dead

What you need is what you really want,

Can’t sit down to breathe,

Cause all we do is Really Want…

Talk to me?

Well sweet pea,

I close my eyes and picture world without being forced to hate,

World without the really wanting of wanting us to go away…

Societal being…

Can we not be social?

Let’s reinvent the stigma and choose to care instead of really want to pretend to.

The world isn’t my cup of tea…

Let’s have some tea while I pass on.

Deep or Shallow

A lot of who I am is that of who a lot of people think me to be.

Who I am is who I am in my mind,

Who I am in my head is who I try to act out…

Yet if I act out that’s probably the definition of who I am to the core,

Yet who I am to the core is just a person who wants more…

To life.

But,

Isn’t that just like everyone else?

The basics of humanity…

Is that caring or is it crying?

We cry cause we care,

We make others cry so that why?

Look me in eye and tell me you care…

Humanity is filled with vanity…

However,

What we do isn’t all in vain.

If we can do something…

Let out the pain.

I lose my mind listening to my thoughts…

Yet I find myself;

Looking within.

Where do I stem?

Flower,

Where do you stem from?

Flower…

Dear Flower,

Why do you —

Stem?

Screaming,

Yelling,

Telling all that…

Your fellows can’t stand it here…

Whispering…

Beautiful things to make the others blossom…

Cheering on planthood just by living.

Surviving…

Why do you stem?

Your petals fall and…

Does it matter if they grow again?

Please help me grow. .

What are you whispering?

What kind

Old dog,

New tricks.

Old love,

New lust.

Old brakes,

New fix.

Tripping,

Tumbling,

Falling in love…

That’s not easy,

Inhale,

Exhale,

Simple not easy.

Difficult at times,

Times are difficult,

Life…

What you make it…

Live…

How you make it…

Life…

You’ll make it.

Old and new…

Change the mind,

But you’re still the human type.

Living within the hype,

That’s my decision…

What’s wrong with me?

Humans make mistakes,

Was that my decision?

If me was at war. We.

The words in my mind are separate at times,

But then there are times where those worlds collide…

And in that insanity I grasp for humanity,

Linking myself to the ground and picking myself up from the scraps,

Universal projection is how our attitudes feel,

Yet we can’t tell that we have a soul…

We care for definition…

But what matters is me…

But me can be anyone.

If

Living in the middle,

Just living in the middle…

Standing in the middle,

Breathing in the middle,

Asking;

why,

who,

what,

how…?

Beginning the thoughts of “if”,

Leaving the feeling of I and receiving the feeling of it…

Choosing what thoughts to give identity to…

Now why is that so hard?

Why is it so loud…

What is now?

Assuming identity is a crisis for many…

Humanity is probably the answer to all?

Common sense would be too common then.

Wouldn’t make sense…

If I found an answer to why “this” doesn’t make sense?

This…

Life I guess.

The literal term in today is useless,

So I use the term Life loosely…

I’m just being…

Don’t mean to be literal,

For “humanity” is living loosely…

Sun

There you were!

SHINING GLORY.

Amazing beauty and light,

Making me want to take flight,

Forget fear of heights…

Just don’t leave me.

I’m terrified of the dark.

The clouds try to cover your face,

But still you shine.

Divine.

How on Earth…?

How in System?

As you decline I start to shake…

Will tomorrow…

You wake?

Please don’t leave…

There’s not enough time…

What if there’s no tomorrow?

Hey Lunar…

Leave her a message for me will ya?

I love you Star,

I’m cold without you.

Quiet space

Empty,

Dark,

Or all around?

No sound you see?

Am I safe and sound?

I hit the ground…

Too late you see…

For I was already alone…

Water pouring over pores,

Poor me you see,

For I am you.

Quiet space inside the mind?

Too late you see…

Safer in sound…

I scream aloud…

Too late you see;

We already drowned.

In due time

Do time…

We all do time…

In due time,

There’s no such thing as time…

Do time…

Following situational rules,

Planetary confinement,

Personal refinement…

Listening to me is the same as listening to you.

What time is it?

How old am I?

In due time,

You’ll do time…

But first…

Prove time…

Explaining what already is…

Do time?

In due time…

Spend,

Save,

All the same.

R.I.P Fledgling

If I was the baby bird laying on the floor with my nest in the air,

I think I would probably learn how to care…

There’d be people smiling at my “insignificant life” because I’m smaller than them,

People crying while they see me lying on the floor,

But if in the same shoes,

I think I might understand…

The smaller you are:

I guess we’re no more than just sand…

If I was the baby bird just breathing for my mom…

I’d want to learn how to fly for her as well…

My second time falling from the tree,

Does this mean survival of the fittest just doesn’t like me?

I’ll die to fly another day…

Either or I’ll probably live again

Immeasurable truth…

What is Good?

There’s only positive and negative,

“Trust me”:

That’s only a concept.

Trust me,

As ironic as it seems,

Looking deep to why we do things might be selfish in the end,

But that’s okay…

At the end of the day,

Watch whatever movie you want to become,

And when you become,

Objectively you were.

Who you are today,

Doesn’t have to be the end.

When we find our want…

There’s only positive and negative.

But that’s okay.

Choose as you wish,

For life is yours to burn…

Your essence forever…

I’ll be gone by then…

But I’ll still be here.

“Black and white” thinking…

Now that’s no benefit…

Better fit either way…

depending on your “I”.

“Situation” is only nature…

Your consciousness might limit your mind…

But find out your “skills”

Or just be breathing…

What is Good?

You’re human.

That’s good enough.

Please gray

Swallow me whole into your holy mist of gray,

Take me away into the the eye where you behold…

Yell at me and show me your might,

Don’t just sprinkle,

But pour out your love…

No flash photography in the twinkle of your sky…

Just fierce lighting breaking free…

Bumps in what used to blue…

Take me into your gray…

This is a beautiful day!

It happened again

When I think:

I hear my thoughts as they race by,

The zooming and the nonsense are louder than the cracks of my nerves before they implode.

Intrusive thoughts are one thing,

But the demon away from home is the core of someone else speaking.

So what the hell is that?

I walk the corner and see…

An imagination too vivid.

No I can’t

Can I tell you what it means to fly high and swim away?

Can I tell you what it is to be in love and never fall back…

Reaching for forever and constantly holding on to who you are….

That’s dear…

However please fear not,

Dreading by inch…

Never flinch from life and answers will be what they seem…

Can I tell you a secret?

The world is open to new stories…

Read them for yourself.

Let me be

I’m holding on by a hairline,

Bleach my mind to think clearer,

The future gets nearer,

But in heart nothing rests in peace,

For humanity isn’t but all,

But in all we are,

We are restless souls…

Who knows…

Maybe as we process…

The universe will be less of an obsess

Let me confess…

In after…

I’ll be erratic,

For in life,

Whatever is…

Is more than what we see,

In the dimension that is to be…

What we are will be…

We’ll be.

Humans aren’t all,

But all is limited til we become…

Embrace yourself,

For we will never rest in peace.

She snapped

Twist my knee,
I feel the pain,
But it didn’t wake,
Death snapped her fingers and I awoke…
Awful,
Miserable even…
I spoke…
There was a life,
There was a flower,
There is grease and there are stains…
Yet,
these pains…
No matter how many times I ask…
Why do you stake?
Nothing at stake?…
My heart and soul,
Nothing in the universal aspect…
Or was it everything?

“You.
You’re all the same.”
Death whispered…
So beautiful…
yet,
Why am I insane?

I LIKE CARTOONS

Hey life,

Stop having me holding onto,

Dear Life…

I think we should start over…

some…

Thing is wrong,

Please stop being so…

I mean to help and all you do is hurt…

My…

Mind,

Can’t take…

Much more longing to belong…

Life…

Please,

Stop being so…

Real…

Please be more cartoon…

What Even?

Rules bend,

Time…

Does it ever end?

Does it ever end?

Going on,

Always almost going off,

I could go on,

What sense does that make?

People playing games of mind—-

Are we not the human kind?

Is there even kind…

Find yourself in a world full of worlds…

Universe’s extra long,

but You being so small,

Not knowing me is different from I…

..knowing there are smaller,

The problem being you…

Okay…

Let’s try again another day?

Go away yet tell them to stay…

Lives end,

Friends leave,

People live,

Love begins.

Tell me to shut up

It’s so loud,

The feeling of my heart thumping,

My brain connecting things that chemically make me implode,

The whole world…

Or at least the one inside me…

Feels as if it is being destroyed to be spontaneously renewed…

Just to be made better for you…

The music in my head is that of a city,

Babies crying,

Mothers smiling,

Fathers leaving,

Fathers staying,

Mothers praying,

It’s hectic,

Erratic,

Yet…

Here I am…

Listening to my breath…

Shocked…

Breathtaking beauty is one thing,

But…

Lovely,

I feel as if I’m suffocating,

Yet…

It’s lovely…

IT WAS SO LOUD…

YOU…

Are like a quiet universal explosion…

Uninhabited galaxies exploding and their gods and angels singing…

Oh God…

You’re an angel…

Thank you for letting me tune into your frequency…

As long as I close my eyes,

You can take my ears…

But you make me feel music…

It’s so peaceful…

My mind is so quiet…

Ripple

I don’t know what it is about the past…

Time has passed,

but I am still looking back,

I lack words…

What else can I say besides sorry?

Feeling as if it was always my fault,

thinking as if there is no one else to blame,

wishing for that which beats inside…

To tear itself apart from natural causes;

So that I won’t have to.

I’m sorry that Now,

I see Then…

I know you mean well,

I know I mean to get well…

But how soon is that to be?

Will I still WANT to be?

Ups and downs are foretold…

Why wasn’t I told this before?

Memories are equivalent to pain,

yet I sometimes find them bittersweet.

Seeing corruption and feeling pain,

living in smiles and going insane…

Why look back when looking forward equates to that of me molding my own?

“Let me live!” I scream to mind,

which echoes bouncing towards the infinite me.

I breakthrough…

Love is the only worth way that pays off in the long run…

Tears will shed,

but they will not tear me apart…

I only want to get closer to the truth.

Is that not what I can fold in my own hands?

Place in my pocket.

Is that what is foretold?

Me telling myself to tell myself to look forward.

Wow…

Story of my life.

I’m sorry…

But I love.

Truth is what I make of it…

And I am tired of lying to myself.

Is it really my fault?

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Hey!

Hi there!

It being time for me to say:

That it’s time for me to stop.

Stop thinking of the words of the world and letting it put me to war with myself.

Trusting people…

Now,

is that an attribute or a fake quality?

Hey!

I’m trying here.

But do you expect me to believe in the “consistency” we all proceed to show?

Now…

I don’t know much.

However,

I know that there’s always a contingency plan for every man and woman…

An unexpected event to take over our plans for the unexpected…

That should be expected.

Love and war going hand in hand.

Love and war walking towards us with the greatest smiles.

With one comes the other.

Peace and love?

Maybe after war there can be peace of mind…

But what do we do when peace of mind brings us to war again?

Hey…

Compulsions happen to us all…

Complete honesty is not expected…

Yet,

to be honest…

I’m a human skeptic…

Would that be the opposite of an oxymoron?

You decide.

Don’t trust me.

The feeling is mutual.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Happy Birthday

You know when you first meet and there’s that click,
Constantly lowering and raising the volume in your life,
With thoughts seeming so loud…
Never being able to fit it…
Even with the “right” crowd.
Always feeling like changing the channel,
But this wave seems different…
Surfing through life getting drowned by familiar liars…
Having no such thing as family.
But finally…
Finding purpose in those you wouldn’t expect.
Those where you feel as if…
They finally accept.
Accept me for being me and being able to be a kid.
You see…
I want to say happy birthday,
But this is more like a Happy Family.
I love you mom.
You’ve helped me grow in this little time and if I can do and little rhyme to try to make you smile,
I’ll go for it,
Cause it’ll be worthwhile.
Happy birthday. 

Talking to myself

You pay attention to the words that I don’t mean;
When I don’t mean to be mean.
I mean…
                                             It may seem like everyone’s against you,                                            but when someone is for you…
You don’t believe.
It’s hard to believe when others tell you to believe,
but that’s why some say to believe in yourself…
Self Conscious comes along and starts singing its sad song,
You feel like who you see in the mirror is wrong,
but the road is long.
Want to cut short?
So you build a fort instead?
You can’t get over your problems because instead of having problems you feel like it’s you who is the problem.
But what’s the matter? 
You feel you don’t matter?
If someone told you that you did…
Would it matter?|
                                                                        Who are you,                                                                                 if not just someone who blames those who really are at fault?
                                                            Those who don’t understand…                                                      Don’t REALLY know.
But I don’t know how else to say…
Take the world day by day and never put a fake smile on your face…
Be as real as you can be and there’ll be no need for fronts…
I’m the only one who can break me down and others can help build me up, 
But I’m the one putting myself together in the long road.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

My mind

I don’t like this place.

I play music to drown out the sound of nothingess,

but I still feel nothing but nothingness.

Less time spent outside turns into more time spent inside…

Myself….

By…

Myself.

All I hear are thoughts…

My thoughts hear thoughts and feel insane…

Yet,

I notice it’s all me.

It has always been me.

By myself in a world filled.

I don’t mean to mean to be alone…

I just always get left because I don’t do anything right…

But write.

In the worlds I create,

there is no right and wrong,

there is only my song,

with only room for modification.

My own room…

Edification.

I can’t be the me I picture,

if I still see myself as the picture mommy painted.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

I talk to myself

Unless you speak,

your voice is silent.

If you speak and your voice is quiet…

Don’t turn away from the sound your heart wants to make.

Don’t be fake due to lack in character;

build and rebuild.

It is constant.

The voice in your head will not be quiet.

So,

how is it that the voice within is too afraid to come out?

Why is it that you are afraid to shout?

Harsh tones from other individuals working collectively…

You’ve collected the voices and have your own musical playlist.

label it:

Depression.

Label it obsession with not being able to be.

But,

“Who am I?” you may ask…

No one in the eyes of billions,

but someone in the eyes of myself…

Can I speak or should I stay silent?

I will be me even if the tone is unique.

Frequency changes and so do wavelengths.

Why am I stuck riding the wave of others?

If I am so quick to wave off myself…

I am sometimes afraid to speak…

I am sometimes afraid to be…

Who it is that is me.

Instead of knowing the answer,

It is a constant question.

Who am I?

I am afraid to speak because my voice has quivered…

Does the past always repeat itself?

Should I own my own voice?

Or

do I allow myself to allow others to keep me silent?

Who am I?

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Wow

Life is a ride that is super realistic.

Life is a ride.

Can dreams be realistic?

Life is a ride…

Please don’t collide.

Life is a ride…

I wish I knew where this ride was going…

Life is a ride…

The going gets tough…

Life is a ride.

I haven’t had enough.

Life is a ride,

it has me feeling alive,

I’m feeling all right.

Life is a ride…

I can get pulled to the left…

Life is a ride…

I’ll ride with all that I have left…

Life is a ride;

I’ll be on without a seat-belt…

Life is a ride…

Although there’s been pain felt,

Life is a ride,

I won’t let my brain melt…

I’m feeling all right.

But you know what they say…

Life is a ride…

That is super realistic.

My dreams are slowly becoming reality.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

I’m not worthy

My prescription and addiction went hand in hand.

Here you go!

A Magic pill!

Don’t be sad!

Out with “go”…

Goes my mind.

Little pill,

little pill…

Lay me still,

For I am mad,

I’ve lost my will…

Little pill.

Little pill,

I’ve lost my…

What?

Do you hear that Mind?…

Do you hear that Soul?

I’ve never felt so much beauty in another soul…

I’ve never thought love was tangible…

I want to…

I want…

I love…

I love You.

Little pill?

Addiction…

Broken through Love…

Love is forever.

Working to find comfort in my flaws…

You helped me get my mind in a better place…

I’m still crazy,

but the thoughts racing are standing up straight.

I’ll never force you to stay…

But my soul is yours every day.

 Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Are you scared of the dark? (Short Maybe Scary Story)

I closed my eyes.

“Come on Josh…You can sleep.” I whispered to myself.

I started to toss and turn in bed…

Still no success at trying to sleep.

The room felt a lot darker than usual…

Of course,

I had my eyes closed.

I just couldn’t shake this feeling.

I turned to my right with my eyes still closed.

My room is small.

Walk-in closet small.

My bed was on the floor because I felt more down to earth this way…

But no luck sleeping.

I opened my eyes.

The room was pitch black.

I felt colder than usual…

I couldn’t see my phone,

but I knew where it was as if it were an 11th finger.

I turned on the screen and an error message popped up…

“Are you scared of the dark?” I read it in a confused tone…

“Am I scared of the dark?” My breathing was getting less steady…

I felt the pitch black room getting smaller.

I turned the phone off.

“I can’t deal with this right now. I’m completely creeped out.”

Yeah…

No way.

I’m getting up.

I got up and walked to where I felt the door was…

But I couldn’t find the handle.

I fumbled for the light switch…

“There you are.”

I flipped it on…

Can I see?

Have you seen?

Have you been?

Are you mean?

Leaving me in a bin?

Decomposed,

but…

Will you smile and say that you’re just recycling me?

Do you see?

My world is nothing,

but whatever I can imagine…

My imagination is non-existent,

my existence is questionable…

Have you been?

Walk with me…

Memory lane is a highway to hell in disguise…

Are you mean?

Life…

I figured they just spread a rumor that you were not too kind,

but I am not blind,

do not leave me for a fool,

for believe me…

Not being remembered,

well,

that’s okay.

Yet,

being seen as one of the sheep…

Well,

that’s not.

Life,

I come to you as a timeless original…

Loving me was the trick all along…

What is eternal perspective?

What we see can not be fully remembered nor trusted.

So…

Why does the mind hold on to the traumatic and feel dramatic?

Who am I?

Timeless…

Mind,

body,

and me….

Me,

myself,

and I.

Life?

Are you even real?

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

It’s Simple

I like you,

I love you,

I adore you,

I’m obsessed,

I’m addicted,

I’m yours,

You’re mine,

Forever and always,

After eternity,

My soul is tied to you alone.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Force of Nature, Not Forced Nature

Wind so strong,

all I can hear are my thoughts.

I can scream,

but I’ll run out of air while being hit full blast…

I’ll fly and float away to another place…

Where I can distract myself with words that can be said…

Words that don’t hold on to thoughts,

that hold onto feelings,

that I can’t control.

Wind,

I feel you pushing me and I hear you being rough…

Or are you being beautiful?…

I feel my face sore from being blasted,

I hear Your Roar,

but wind…

O wind,

I hear you.

You’re just being natural;

You’re just singing your own version of what it is to be.

You’re just being you.

I feel harmony.

One with nature and one with yourself?

I plead…

Oh Force,

I want to be able to speak up about what I think,

I want to be heard…

Wind you have an overwhelming presence;

that no one can deny…

But why?

I want to be me as you are you…

But I can’t control my thoughts,

that may sometimes control my feelings.

However,

I notice that you aren’t being controlled.

Wind are you listening?

I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re just being yourself…

Teach me…

Am I listening?

I step back…

And then it hits me.

I hear you wind…

I’ve heard you from the beginning.

I’ll try my best to let my thoughts float and fly away to a place where they aren’t controlled by negative emotion,

I’ll be mindful.

You’ve inspired me…

I’ll try be natural.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

4 a.m Dancing

The music starts to play…

I hear nothing,

but beauty in happiness to this day,

click of a button and there goes another day,

I pray and meditate,

but nothing can alleviate that fate:

That of the negative grooves tapping within…

Screeching within…

I can lay no longer in this bed,

for this quarrel within my head…

Must be resolved,

my resolve is that of a warrior,

I will fight to the death,

however…

This is a battle with my mind…

So,

I must act rather kind…

I get up and close my eyes,

I open my mind and start to dance…

So I Write

So…

I write.

I’ve never known much,

but I’ve known that…

I think too much and I’ve known that…

But…

When I start to jot words down,

I feel as if the world starts to change,

I’m no longer drowning in misery,

I Feel…

Changed.

No longer chained by mind,

Fall for you

Beware of false happiness set by physically looking real expectations

Yet no realistic setting to attribute the false information to,

Let go of the eating thought that you have to stay stuck,

There’s more to moving then just laying still,

Lay with the one you love and there will be live energy,

Live with more in mind than how to escape that which thoughts bounce around in,

Let yourself loose and there’s no way to truly lose,

For this game is never one to end,

Sit at the table but remember to make moves,

Don’t fall for someone’s bluff,

Real life is enough.