Ripple

I don’t know what it is about the past…

Time has passed,

but I am still looking back,

I lack words…

What else can I say besides sorry?

Feeling as if it was always my fault,

thinking as if there is no one else to blame,

wishing for that which beats inside…

To tear itself apart from natural causes;

So that I won’t have to.

I’m sorry that Now,

I see Then…

I know you mean well,

I know I mean to get well…

But how soon is that to be?

Will I still WANT to be?

Ups and downs are foretold…

Why wasn’t I told this before?

Memories are equivalent to pain,

yet I sometimes find them bittersweet.

Seeing corruption and feeling pain,

living in smiles and going insane…

Why look back when looking forward equates to that of me molding my own?

“Let me live!” I scream to mind,

which echoes bouncing towards the infinite me.

I breakthrough…

Love is the only worth way that pays off in the long run…

Tears will shed,

but they will not tear me apart…

I only want to get closer to the truth.

Is that not what I can fold in my own hands?

Place in my pocket.

Is that what is foretold?

Me telling myself to tell myself to look forward.

Wow…

Story of my life.

I’m sorry…

But I love.

Truth is what I make of it…

And I am tired of lying to myself.

Is it really my fault?

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

 

 

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Hey!

Hi there!

It being time for me to say:

That it’s time for me to stop.

Stop thinking of the words of the world and letting it put me to war with myself.

Trusting people…

Now,

is that an attribute or a fake quality?

Hey!

I’m trying here.

But do you expect me to believe in the “consistency” we all proceed to show?

Now…

I don’t know much.

However,

I know that there’s always a contingency plan for every man and woman…

An unexpected event to take over our plans for the unexpected…

That should be expected.

Love and war going hand in hand.

Love and war walking towards us with the greatest smiles.

With one comes the other.

Peace and love?

Maybe after war there can be peace of mind…

But what do we do when peace of mind brings us to war again?

Hey…

Compulsions happen to us all…

Complete honesty is not expected…

Yet,

to be honest…

I’m a human skeptic…

Would that be the opposite of an oxymoron?

You decide.

Don’t trust me.

The feeling is mutual.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

 

Happy Birthday

You know when you first meet and there’s that click,
Constantly lowering and raising the volume in your life,
With thoughts seeming so loud…
Never being able to fit it…
Even with the “right” crowd.
Always feeling like changing the channel,
But this wave seems different…
Surfing through life getting drowned by familiar liars…
Having no such thing as family.
But finally…
Finding purpose in those you wouldn’t expect.
Those where you feel as if…
They finally accept.
Accept me for being me and being able to be a kid.
You see…
I want to say happy birthday,
But this is more like a Happy Family.
I love you mom.
You’ve helped me grow in this little time and if I can do and little rhyme to try to make you smile,
I’ll go for it,
Cause it’ll be worthwhile.
Happy birthday. 

Talking to myself

You pay attention to the words that I don’t mean;
When I don’t mean to be mean.
I mean…
                                             It may seem like everyone’s against you,                                            but when someone is for you…
You don’t believe.
It’s hard to believe when others tell you to believe,
but that’s why some say to believe in yourself…
Self Conscious comes along and starts singing its sad song,
You feel like who you see in the mirror is wrong,
but the road is long.
Want to cut short?
So you build a fort instead?
You can’t get over your problems because instead of having problems you feel like it’s you who is the problem.
But what’s the matter? 
You feel you don’t matter?
If someone told you that you did…
Would it matter?|
                                                                        Who are you,                                                                                 if not just someone who blames those who really are at fault?
                                                            Those who don’t understand…                                                      Don’t REALLY know.
But I don’t know how else to say…
Take the world day by day and never put a fake smile on your face…
Be as real as you can be and there’ll be no need for fronts…
I’m the only one who can break me down and others can help build me up, 
But I’m the one putting myself together in the long road.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

My mind

I don’t like this place.

I play music to drown out the sound of nothingess,

but I still feel nothing but nothingness.

Less time spent outside turns into more time spent inside…

Myself….

By…

Myself.

All I hear are thoughts…

My thoughts hear thoughts and feel insane…

Yet,

I notice it’s all me.

It has always been me.

By myself in a world filled.

I don’t mean to mean to be alone…

I just always get left because I don’t do anything right…

But write.

In the worlds I create,

there is no right and wrong,

there is only my song,

with only room for modification.

My own room…

Edification.

I can’t be the me I picture,

if I still see myself as the picture mommy painted.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

I talk to myself

Unless you speak,

your voice is silent.

If you speak and your voice is quiet…

Don’t turn away from the sound your heart wants to make.

Don’t be fake due to lack in character;

build and rebuild.

It is constant.

The voice in your head will not be quiet.

So,

how is it that the voice within is too afraid to come out?

Why is it that you are afraid to shout?

Harsh tones from other individuals working collectively…

You’ve collected the voices and have your own musical playlist.

label it:

Depression.

Label it obsession with not being able to be.

But,

“Who am I?” you may ask…

No one in the eyes of billions,

but someone in the eyes of myself…

Can I speak or should I stay silent?

I will be me even if the tone is unique.

Frequency changes and so do wavelengths.

Why am I stuck riding the wave of others?

If I am so quick to wave off myself…

I am sometimes afraid to speak…

I am sometimes afraid to be…

Who it is that is me.

Instead of knowing the answer,

It is a constant question.

Who am I?

I am afraid to speak because my voice has quivered…

Does the past always repeat itself?

Should I own my own voice?

Or

do I allow myself to allow others to keep me silent?

Who am I?

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Wow

Life is a ride that is super realistic.

Life is a ride.

Can dreams be realistic?

Life is a ride…

Please don’t collide.

Life is a ride…

I wish I knew where this ride was going…

Life is a ride…

The going gets tough…

Life is a ride.

I haven’t had enough.

Life is a ride,

it has me feeling alive,

I’m feeling all right.

Life is a ride…

I can get pulled to the left…

Life is a ride…

I’ll ride with all that I have left…

Life is a ride;

I’ll be on without a seat-belt…

Life is a ride…

Although there’s been pain felt,

Life is a ride,

I won’t let my brain melt…

I’m feeling all right.

But you know what they say…

Life is a ride…

That is super realistic.

My dreams are slowly becoming reality.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

I’m not worthy

My prescription and addiction went hand in hand.

Here you go!

A Magic pill!

Don’t be sad!

Out with “go”…

Goes my mind.

Little pill,

little pill…

Lay me still,

For I am mad,

I’ve lost my will…

Little pill.

Little pill,

I’ve lost my…

What?

Do you hear that Mind?…

Do you hear that Soul?

I’ve never felt so much beauty in another soul…

I’ve never thought love was tangible…

I want to…

I want…

I love…

I love You.

Little pill?

Addiction…

Broken through Love…

Love is forever.

Working to find comfort in my flaws…

You helped me get my mind in a better place…

I’m still crazy,

but the thoughts racing are standing up straight.

I’ll never force you to stay…

But my soul is yours every day.

 Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Are you scared of the dark? (Short Maybe Scary Story)

I closed my eyes.

“Come on Josh…You can sleep.” I whispered to myself.

I started to toss and turn in bed…

Still no success at trying to sleep.

The room felt a lot darker than usual…

Of course,

I had my eyes closed.

I just couldn’t shake this feeling.

I turned to my right with my eyes still closed.

My room is small.

Walk-in closet small.

My bed was on the floor because I felt more down to earth this way…

But no luck sleeping.

I opened my eyes.

The room was pitch black.

I felt colder than usual…

I couldn’t see my phone,

but I knew where it was as if it were an 11th finger.

I turned on the screen and an error message popped up…

“Are you scared of the dark?” I read it in a confused tone…

“Am I scared of the dark?” My breathing was getting less steady…

I felt the pitch black room getting smaller.

I turned the phone off.

“I can’t deal with this right now. I’m completely creeped out.”

Yeah…

No way.

I’m getting up.

I got up and walked to where I felt the door was…

But I couldn’t find the handle.

I fumbled for the light switch…

“There you are.”

I flipped it on…

Can I see?

Have you seen?

Have you been?

Are you mean?

Leaving me in a bin?

Decomposed,

but…

Will you smile and say that you’re just recycling me?

Do you see?

My world is nothing,

but whatever I can imagine…

My imagination is non-existent,

my existence is questionable…

Have you been?

Walk with me…

Memory lane is a highway to hell in disguise…

Are you mean?

Life…

I figured they just spread a rumor that you were not too kind,

but I am not blind,

do not leave me for a fool,

for believe me…

Not being remembered,

well,

that’s okay.

Yet,

being seen as one of the sheep…

Well,

that’s not.

Life,

I come to you as a timeless original…

Loving me was the trick all along…

What is eternal perspective?

What we see can not be fully remembered nor trusted.

So…

Why does the mind hold on to the traumatic and feel dramatic?

Who am I?

Timeless…

Mind,

body,

and me….

Me,

myself,

and I.

Life?

Are you even real?

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

It’s Simple

I like you,

I love you,

I adore you,

I’m obsessed,

I’m addicted,

I’m yours,

You’re mine,

Forever and always,

After eternity,

My soul is tied to you alone.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

Force of Nature, Not Forced Nature

Wind so strong,

all I can hear are my thoughts.

I can scream,

but I’ll run out of air while being hit full blast…

I’ll fly and float away to another place…

Where I can distract myself with words that can be said…

Words that don’t hold on to thoughts,

that hold onto feelings,

that I can’t control.

Wind,

I feel you pushing me and I hear you being rough…

Or are you being beautiful?…

I feel my face sore from being blasted,

I hear Your Roar,

but wind…

O wind,

I hear you.

You’re just being natural;

You’re just singing your own version of what it is to be.

You’re just being you.

I feel harmony.

One with nature and one with yourself?

I plead…

Oh Force,

I want to be able to speak up about what I think,

I want to be heard…

Wind you have an overwhelming presence;

that no one can deny…

But why?

I want to be me as you are you…

But I can’t control my thoughts,

that may sometimes control my feelings.

However,

I notice that you aren’t being controlled.

Wind are you listening?

I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re just being yourself…

Teach me…

Am I listening?

I step back…

And then it hits me.

I hear you wind…

I’ve heard you from the beginning.

I’ll try my best to let my thoughts float and fly away to a place where they aren’t controlled by negative emotion,

I’ll be mindful.

You’ve inspired me…

I’ll try be natural.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking

4 a.m Dancing

The music starts to play…

I hear nothing,

but beauty in happiness to this day,

click of a button and there goes another day,

I pray and meditate,

but nothing can alleviate that fate:

That of the negative grooves tapping within…

Screeching within…

I can lay no longer in this bed,

for this quarrel within my head…

Must be resolved,

my resolve is that of a warrior,

I will fight to the death,

however…

This is a battle with my mind…

So,

I must act rather kind…

I get up and close my eyes,

I open my mind and start to dance…

So I Write

So…

I write.

I’ve never known much,

but I’ve known that…

I think too much and I’ve known that…

But…

When I start to jot words down,

I feel as if the world starts to change,

I’m no longer drowning in misery,

I Feel…

Changed.

No longer chained by mind,

Bryan’s Song

I used to blink,

I still think,

I close my eyes and then open…

But…

I can’t really see.

I look around,

I didn’t realize before…

But…

The world is so round…

I didn’t see before…

But…

Things aren’t as they seem until you can’t see…

I see better now than I did before,

Can you see?

I took advantage of the fact that I didn’t have to take advantage,

I’m not depressed,

I could be sad at times,

Yeah,

I would rather though,

Play this game my way,

I can say that I speak more content through the eyes of blind…

Through my peripherals I noticed that by looking at life at different angles,

Using my peripherals,

I can see that good and bad still balance…

I see better than I did before.

I still think…

I notice more when I blink.

Thisisjoshuaspeaking From the heart little cousin